Like a terrible pain
that always lingers.
You lurk behind me,
stalking my every move.
My joyful smile makes you weak
that’s when you attack.
Your bite burns,
as the venom sinks deeper
When will you leave?
I beg everyday
GET OUT!
Never look back
I cry for help
you muffle my scream.
I’m left alone,
Helpless
to die on your watch.
Your cold heart gets high
on the tears I shed
alone I wallow
you become stronger,
stronger
soon I’m nothing.
You control me.
Who am I?
Hi Rebecca, I liked your poems, though perhaps for different reasons than your other readers so far. I thought "School Supplies" was the best. I liked the central irony. Instead of notebooks and pens we get "Rainbows" and Ray Bans." Nice switch. I would even build up this irony more. Add a few more visual images referring to dress and appearance. The third stanza needs some sort of transition between the first line, "Now for a top," and the second line, "which frat to choose." Maybe something more about the top. I liked "Who Am I?" next. The idea of the being stalked by our inner selves, a sort of evil twin doppelganger, is interested. Be more visual though. Let readers see something concrete and physical. One of your readers thought "I Miss You" was a great poem, but I liked it less than the other two. It was a bit too prosaic and sentencey for me, a bit too straightforward. I think you could take a lot of the phrases, even lines, out of the poem. For instance, the second line of the first stanza, "it comes between us," seems totally unnecessary. "Distance" says it all. Again, use physical, material images to carry your story, something for example from a car ride or an airport. dw
ReplyDeleteLove the juxtaposition of “you” versus the “who am i?” it makes for an interesting thought for the reader to figure out just exactly WHO you are talking about. I also like the image of “getting high” off of someone’s tears, like a grotesque addiction. It shows the evil of the character of “you” in the poem. I think you could clarify the “you” in the poem by adding details or description of it/them/you/he/she. The reader may need a few more clues. Great job!
ReplyDeleteI can appreciate that this poem does not have a rhyme scheme. It is still moving without it. I am wondering if this poem is a metaphor for a past or a an actual person. Perhaps its about the characters actions since the last line says "Who am I?" The last line made me question and formulate different theories. Aa a reader, I like authors to leave some thing unanswered. Nice poem.
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