it comes between us
it's out of our hands
your team in New Mexico
my school in Fort Worth
each following our dreams
we long to be together
schedules are too hectic
class requires attendance
wins require practice
we will get through this
you tell me to just believe
be strong and courageous
one day we'll be together,
for the rest of our lives
for now though,
roughly 600 miles apart
a 9 hour drive
a 400 dollar plane ticket
a hurdle we can get past
because,
this space between us
can't stop our love
we will achieve our dreams apart
we will make new dreams together
for now, I miss you
till we reunite,
a weekend trip is the plan
but it's not enough
the moment we depart
I will miss you again
Hey Rebecca, I enjoyed reading this poem. It has an interesting, technical take on missing someone. The lines that stood out to me were:
ReplyDelete"...Classes require attendance/wins require practice..."
"...600 miles apart/a 9 hour drive/a 400 dollar plane ticket/a hurdle we can get past"
These ideas also have the capacity to be expanded upon, and this might be useful to make the poem a little more personalized. What kind of car would "she" have to drive to make the 600 mile trip? What team does "he" play on that keeps him from buying the first $400 dollar plane ticket to see her?
Just something to think about. Nice work :)
rebecca,
ReplyDeletei like this poem because i think it appeals to all readers. almost every person, at some point in their lives, goes through a period of missing someone or some time in their past. i enjoyed the ending as it is both hopeful and realistic in saying :
"for now, i miss you till we reunite...the moment we depart i will miss you again"
i think you could make this stanza more concise, using less words:
"we will get through this
you tell me to just believe
be strong and courageous
one day we'll be together,
for the rest of our lives"
maybe if you took out some words, it would suggest the shortness, yet harshness of the time spent away from one another. in that, time is fleeting. before you know it, you'll be back together...doesn't make it easier. but it suggests the loss of time's value in comparison to the value of yalls' love. i hope this makes sense. great job
margaret fleming
The poem “I miss you” is a beautiful piece of literature. I have nothing negative to say as I can tell it is very close to your heart. My favorite lines were “we will achieve our dreams apart we will make new dreams together.” The poem was very positive and gave me hope for long distance relationships. Good job!
ReplyDelete-kay
I enjoyed reading this poem and do not have much to criticize it for. The only thing I can even say is that it would sound a tiny bit better with a little rhyme in it. Other than that the overall poem was great!
ReplyDeleteRebecca- This was a very moving poem. I was once in a long distance relationship for my first two years at TCU. He was also on a sports team and was never able to leave to come visit me. It sounds like there is enough love to make a long distance relationship last, obviously can't say the same for my relationship. Congrats on making your lyric "I" so transparent and universal to the reader.
ReplyDeletewe will achieve our dreams apart
we will make new dreams together
for now, I miss you
till we reunite,
a weekend trip is the plan
but it's not enough
the moment we depart
I will miss you again
My favorite stanza. Such powerful words and dreams apart and coming back together and as soon as you depart you will miss him again. You captured the essence of a long distance relationship so perfectly. Great job!
Rebecca,
ReplyDeleteI like this poem a lot because so many can identify it. Long distance relationships are difficult, and this poem shows how hard it is to always be missing someone more than actually getting to be with them.
I think it would be nice to put in details about the dreams you talk about sharing with him. It would allow the readers to have more detailed images, and give us some insight into the characters personalities. Great poem!